Drafts don’t get grade

Drafts don’t get grades; they get comments.

I’m really glad to see the change in language. Good!

Here’s what you’ll need to keep in mind as you revise:

First, you’ll need to make and prove a main, overall point about the effects of online education for students. Right now, you list some effects, but you will need to make a specific overall main point that tells what all your main points mean when you consider them together. So this really shouldn’t be about a few relatively unrelated points. You’ll need to do something more like this: the effect of distance education on military personnel seeking college degrees. Or the effect of math video games on standardized mathematics examination scores for junior high school students. Basically, you’ll need to look up the specific effect of one specific change on one specific pool. You’ll need to research again and get specific information about your focused topic. Second, each paragraph should make and prove some main point about your thesis.

This paper will require at least two outside sources of research.

Let me give you some tips on quotations and paraphrase. When you quote, you use someone’s exact words, put them in quotation marks and attribute the source. When you paraphrase, you put someone else’s words in your own words, leave out the quotation marks and attribute the source. Here are some tips:

For quotations, either spoken or written, you must attribute the quotation, tell who said it or wrote it. On first reference, give full name and credentials:

According to geologist Dr. Linda Carl, “Earth’s early atmosphere was much different than it is today.”

OR:

“Earth’s early atmosphere was much different than it is today,’ notes geologist Dr. Linda Carl.

Some words to consider using in an attribution: she says, she writes, he observes, he mentions, she notes, he points out, etc.

Don’t write that someone is “quoting” unless they are giving someone else’s words or ideas. If you are writing their words, it is you who are doing the quoting. You are quoting them in your essay. The speaking is writing, saying, pointing out, mentioning, observing, etc. You should say someone is “quoting” only if they are repeating something someone else has said or written.

If you are giving the article’s name along with the quotation, do it like this: According to Jane Smith, writing in “James Bonding: A Study of Extra-Marital Psycho-Sexual Relations in Espionage” (2015), “In the real world, a government would almost certainly give a spy, such as James Bond, a much lower public profile” (p. 15).

Here’s a tip for giving names: On first reference, give a person’s full name and title. Capitalize the first letters of the important words title of their name if it precedes their name in the sentence. As Sargeant Mark Smith points out

Vice-Principal Valery Kelly notes …

The Chief of Operations, Vanessa Wu, was on hand to …

If their title does not precede their name in the reference, keep it lower case:

When we went to England, we saw the prince and princess at the theatrical opening.

On subsequent references, reference the last name, title, or both:

Smith says …

The vice-principal observes that …

Wu points out…

There is no need in our class to use Mr., Ms., Miss, or Mrs. before a name when you mentioning people. if it is relevant to your discussion, but use your judgment here.

I know this wasn’t said anywhere, but let me point it out here: Use present verb tense for literary attribution unless it would make your sentence really awkward. So even though Shakespeare died in 1616, we still need to say: As “Shakespeare writes… “, not “As Shakespeare wrote.” This is a convention in few languages, not only English.

Here’s a link to UMUC’s guide for parenthetical style: http://www.umuc.edu/library/libhow/citationresources.cfm

Here’s a link to APA style from The Purdue Owl for in-text citations, parenthetical citations that go inside your paragraphs:

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/02/

This will need a complete revision, but I’m certain you can do it and do a good job at it, too.

I look forward to reading your revision.

Best,